Long Days and Short Nights

Well, today marks my third day at the new job and I am already feeling the exhaustion. To recap: I started a new job, which requires my man and I to carpool together… leaving at 5:30 am (as my partner starts at 6am) and then waiting around till I start at 8 (8:30 this week). Still waiting to hear from his work if he can get later shifts. I really hope so because these early mornings are killing me.

The first day I was thrown into the hardest part of my new job, which involves math (Eek!). I got a tour of the facility from the bottom to the top (went on the roof even). I guess I may as well say that I work for a mall. I am in the marketing department, and it looks like I will be responsible for helping to organize seasonal events, programs, bookings, as well as the website, social media pages, and a lot of reports (the math part). Kind of exciting, but very demanding! There is always something on the go it seems and there are daily, weekly, monthly, quarterly, and annual reports and tasks are must be completed. Going to have to be prepared for long nights and tight deadlines. Luckily everyone seems to pitch in. Things are obviously a bit scary right now because I am learning and the job changes throughout the year, so it will take a full year to really learn it.

The people: so far everyone has been very nice. My first day was a whirlwind of introductions (so many names I will have to remember) and that evening there was even a staff fun night (nothing like getting thrown right into the mix eh?). They seem mostly like fun people, but it’s always tricky to read people until you get to know them better. As I mentioned before, I am replacing someone for their maternity leave. I was very nervous about how I would be while she trained me (seeing her big belly full of that sweet baby life that I can only dream of right now). She is lovely though and we really hit it off well. Yesterday someone brought her a gift and made her open it right there. Inside were all these sweet little onesies and I started to tear up. I left for the washroom to pull myself together. Later she confronted me and asked me if I had suffered a loss based on a comment I made about “training again” and my discomfort during the gift opening. I told her everything (as I did to my supervisor in my interview) and WOW… she also suffered a loss… Well that was that! We bonded for an hour as we bawled our eyes out and shared our journey. She told me she lost her little one at 20 weeks, found out her husband had morphology issues, went through IVF, managed to get pregnant again and although had a healthy pregnancy that time, her sister (who was pregnant at the same time) delivered a stillborn little boy. Now she is onto baby number 2, due in July. I was so floored by her story. She also told me someone else in the office was going through something similar, but obviously did not say who. I told her that if she wanted to tell that person my story I was okay with it. Maybe we could help each other. So that was an eventful day two!

Today is day three, and I am sitting at a Tim Hortons using their free wifi to type this out to kill time waiting for work while I drink a horrible coffee (sorry Timmies fans, but this coffee tastes like battery acid and affects my tummy in a bad way). The job is going well so far though and I have hope that this is going to work out. I know there will be some lumps and bumps along the way; some tears and fears, but I know I can get through this. I have to. We all do. Eventually things will get better. ❤

 

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Changes on the Horizon

I had wrote before about my experience with a new job and how, although pleasant, I was not ready to go back to work. Well, it looks like I will once again be trying my hand at a new career. As my medical leave comes to an end, I have found another new job and I am really hoping that this one is a better fit. I was extremely truthful and forward in my interview (letting them know all of my past history, weaknesses, and limitations) and they still offered me the position much to my surprise. I am very hopeful that this will be an easy transition for me and that I am mentally and emotionally ready.

The job is in the next town over, so it will mean a commute for the time being and as we only have one vehicle… my husband and I will have to carpool together. Luckily the new job is next to his work. Unluckily, the hours are not that close. I will have to leave with him at 5:30am and kill 2 hours until I start and he will have to kill 2 – 4 hours a day waiting around for me. It’s not ideal, but the pay is better than either of us have ever seen before and the fact that they hired me with all my baggage makes me think they might be very understanding and patient people to work with, which is something I really need right now in my recovery.

Recently we listed our apartment for sale as we have been wanting to grow our family (obviously with a child, but also a dog), and so we were hoping to sell and afford a small home with more space and a yard. With everything that has happened recently I have been feeling like a change is due, and now with us both working in the next town over we have decided to try to buy a home closer to work. I have many mixed emotions about this, as I have lived here since I was 6 years old and my family is here, but on the other hand I have been wanting some change. The town over is only a short highway drive away, so that`s not far to visit at all, and my husbands family actually lives there. Recently two of my friends moved there too, and a third friend will be there shortly. The costs are higher though, which is frustrating because no matter how hard we save the cost of living seems to increase three-fold. I have never mentioned where I live before: I am in British Columbia, Canada and I live in the Lower Mainland which is east of Vancouver.

Vancouver is ridiculously expensive! Like a million dollars for what we call a “crack shack“. Where I live is still way over priced, but more do-able (for what that`s worth). The market for single family homes is crazy though because so many people can`t afford Vancouver so they move out this way and scoop everything up. The market is brutal right now for buying homes. Interest rates are low, so everyone and their dog is buying. A lot of it is investors too. Sadly for us to sell is also not so good because no one is really buying apartments, and yet they keep building them, so competition to sell is fierce due to over saturation. Every street corner near us is getting a new apartment complex. Also, the town over is closer to Vancouver, which means more expensive. As you get closer to the big city you get bigger price tags. It`s easy to ask why we just don`t move away from here all together, but this is where are our life is and we haven`t quite reached the place in our life where we are able leave it all behind. I have always loved being close to family. They are my best friends.

In the meantime we are looking at the positives: new job with better pay, we can commute together, take lunch breaks together, and if we can find a home… then we have a fresh start in a new city (for me anyway). My biggest challenge will be trying to rekindle the excitement of a new career. As I had previously written about, my brain was in motherhood mode before the miscarriage (and still to this day a bit), so trying to be happy about a new career is difficult for my mind right now. I will be replacing a woman going on maternity as well, so that will be a bit of an emotional trigger situation. Must keep it together and just be happy for what we have. It`s always easier to say that than actually feeling that way, but I am happy. I just need to remind myself sometimes. Wish me luck!

Getting My Hopes Up

This last ovulation cycle happened during our wedding anniversary, on a full moon, while we were on a little holiday in the city where my husband was conceived… Ugh! So what do I do? Get my hopes up of course!

So many people tell you after a miscarriage that “now you know you can get pregnant”… Yes and I also know I can lose my pregnancy as well, so not a lot of comfort there. I mean really, how is that supposed to make me feel better? I guess I get where they are coming from, but in my mind it just makes things more frustrating because I now know I can get pregnant, but I still can’t seem to have a child so…

I also keep hearing stories of how after a miscarriage couples fall pregnant once again shortly thereafter. Well I’m not holding my breathe anymore. It took us three years to get pregnant the first time. I’ll have to write a post in the near future about my condition and the impact of trying to conceive. It might be helpful to others. I’ll just write for now that it took me years to sort some of it out, and the doctors still can’t give me a proper explanation. I’m lucky all in all though. Got to be happy with what we have in life. I know that, but sometimes you just sulk anyway.

Don’t mind me being a grump today: I’m just laying in bed feeling sorry for myself as I pop pills to try and find relief from some horrible cramps and a headache.

Days like this I am even more thankful for my husband/ love of my life who sticks by me. Unfortunately, he is at work this very moment, but once he gets home I know he’ll be there to rub my back and listen to me whine. True love 💜

Irreplaceable

I have read a few other blog posts recently that have touched on the feelings of guilt when trying to conceive again after a loss. I have to say that this is something I myself have struggled with recently as my husband and I have begun trying again ourselves. As the days tick by and I get closer once again to when my time of month hits, I am not only emotional about the prospect of being once again pregnant or not, but also the idea that I am somehow trying to replace the angel I have lost. I know this is not the case though. Nothing could ever replace my little tomato. I couldn’t ever forget those special moments and milestones in our lives, and all the love I felt for this life that was inside of me. We all know this to be true, but there is this guilt that tugs behind many of our hearts. I find it is important to remind ourselves of why we wanted to have a child in the first place; all the love we have to give. The loss of any loved one can never be replaced in our hearts, but we do have room for more and we still have love to share.

I doubt many individuals who have not experienced a loss would be reading these blog posts, but maybe some who know people that have had a loss are. To them, and the whole world for that matter, I want to just say: please never tell the mother of an angel baby that things will be fine, the pain will ease, or that we will move on once we have another child. Please don’t go there. Please remember that a life is never replaceable and that our hearts will always mourn for our lost ones.

We will move forward. We will smile and laugh, and yes we will still cry, but…
WE WILL CONTINUE TO LOVE!

A Step Forward or Backwards?

With much shame I must admit that I was not ready to go back to work. I handed in my notice and explained my mistake. To my shock I was treated with so much support and well wishes! These co-workers of two weeks treated my with so much kindness that just thinking about it now makes me well up with tears of hope. Hope that there are still good people out there. After my previous work experience I had lost hope in that, but these individuals renewed my faith. I truly wish I could have stayed there now more than ever, but it wasn’t right for me. It turned out they weren’t too sure about what the role entailed themselves and they weren’t clear in the job positing. The position would require a lot of public speaking and presence. Including, much to my sorrow, communications with my ex-employer of whom I am no where near ready to face for fear I might deck her one for her mistreatment of me… who am I kidding, I’d probably just run to a corner and cry. I am still this silly puddle of emotions. After long discussions with my partner we both decided I should take my medical employment assistance for a month at least and try to focus on my mental health as well as think about what kind of jobs I think I can do now.

So what kind of jobs are out there for someone like me? Ho-hum. I suffer from intense anxiety (even before the loss of my pregnancy), and since the loss I now have depression. I feel like the best option is something that keeps me busy, but doesn’t require so much pressure. I actually thrive on the completion of small tasks. I always have done great when I’m given a small list of things to do. If I am given nothing to do I will procrastinate and literally do nothing. If I’m given a huge list to completed I will freak out and just crumble under the pressure. Small, measurable tasks are where it’s at. Now where to find that? I used to love working in customer service, but over the last few years my anxiety has gotten so bad that I shake when I think about dealing with mean people. I have a lot to think about. I just don’t want to disappoint people: my partner, my family, my employer, and myself. I have always been a keener and I just can’t handle failing any more.

For the time being I have been in contact with the employer I just left and they have many volunteer opportunities, which is where I am going to start out. They were so kind to me and I would really like to help out in the community and have the chance to stay in touch with them. I think we can help each other.

Another Day Another Dollar

Some updates: After leaving my job due to my ex-bosses unbelievable comments I was all set to go on employment assistance for a bit, as my doctor had given me medical leave. That didn’t happen though because I bravely, or foolishly, took on another job. I can’t help but feel like I have made a huge mistake in doing this, but at the same time, a great opportunity came along to work for a great organization. The thing I have been struggling with is am I ready for this? I’ll be honest: the rational side of me is kicking me in the ass saying “get out there, move on, and be happy!”, but the emotional stress has not passed. The job is great, the pay is good, and everyone seems really nice so far… so why do I cry my eyes out EVERY SINGLE DAY? I am just plainly not happy. Please understand that I have an amazing family, an amazing husband, and an amazing group of friends, not to mention this job opportunity and the fact that I am healthy, etc. I know these things to be true and yet I cry, I can’t smile, and I feel shameful for the fact that my life can be so blessed by so much and I cannot be happy with it.

I want to paint a picture for you that I see every time I close my eyes: This girl (me) with a big o’le belly full of baby and smile on her face that beams from cheek to cheek. She is confident, and excited. She sees the future set out in front of her. A future that includes endless possibilities (not to mention a lot of dirty diapers). She sees opportunities to live a new life filled with love and nurturing. She sees the struggles and hardships ahead, but she is on board 100% in this new role as mother and this is where her mind is. Now I open my eyes… it’s gone. This is where my mind was, this is where I was headed and now I have been derailed and I’m a heap of sorrow sitting on the sidelines watching others pass me by and receive the reward at the end of the track. It’s not a switch you can flip on and off; the mindset and preparedness you were expecting now has to do a complete 180 degree turnaround? how do you focus? how do you get past that?

Babies and Birthdays

So, since I left off I had left my job and lost a pregnancy… Not exactly high notes. With my birthday around the corner I should be celebrating, but two constant thoughts are running rampant in my brain: 1. This was the day we were going to announce the pregnancy (complete with cute gifts as clues that would lead up to the big reveal), and 2. I am not getting any younger and that means that my baby making timeline is running out. I should clarify that I am in my thirties and that it took us 3 years to get pregnant this go around. On top of these feelings I have two pregnant sister-in-laws who just discovered they are having boys. I really hoped our kids could grow up together, so this is a tricky bit of business. I mean, both feeling happy and excited for them and yet terribly sad and jealous at the same time. I mean one didn’t mean to get pregnant (already has two other kids they didn’t mean to have) and the other smokes cigarettes… So, yeah. I get bitter sometimes. I feel angry that I wanted my pregnancy and took extreme cautions to ensure my and my child’s health every step of the way and yet BAM! I lost mine. I would never wish this on anyone. Don’t get me wrong! But when you’re in pain you aren’t very damn rational and I’m still in the “poor me” stage. So yeah, it’s hard to really delight in these happy moments. I mean of course I’m happy for them, but it’s a constant reminder of what I lost right now. Maybe it will get easier when they’re swimming in baby poo and puke and I’m just chillin’ over here watching Game of Thrones. I don’t know. I don’t know if it ever will get easier (these jealous feelings), but I have to hope it will.

The Hardest Week

In my attempt at healing myself mentally, and also to shed some light on this difficult topic, I will now blurt out my feelings and the story behind the hardest week I can ever remember living through (last week):

What started off as an exciting journey in our lives ended in a miserable inferno of pain, sadness and anger. My husband and I found out we were expecting just after the holiday season. This seemed like the perfect time to bring a child into the world as we had just spent two weeks off work surrounded by loved ones and the love for each other. We have been married for three years, and the timing could not have been better with two of my sister-in-laws also expecting. Full of excitement, we picked out names, talked about quirky ways to tell everyone, and worked our butts off making sure we ate healthy, exercised, bought special lotions and things that had no crazy baby harming chemicals in them, etc, etc, etc…To our great sadness we lost the pregnancy just about two weeks ago. To make things even harder (which is saying a lot), I was met with utter garbage from my employer. Here is how my week went down (please bare with my anger):

After not feeling so well and seeing minor spotting I went for an early ultrasound. The results were not good, but not necessarily bad either, so they wanted me to go back in a week. Due to the worry I told my employer I was having health issues and at this time I didn’t feel comfortable talking about it, but I would need to take a little time off for an appointment (meaning the next ultrasound). The next day at work however there was blood. In a panic I told my coworker I needed to leave and my husband would be picking me up. The doctor told us about the ultrasound and this with the blood equalled miscarriage of the silent variety. Turned out we lost the baby a little while ago, but my body decided to keep growing a placenta. That night I was advised to use misoprostol (which I ended up having to use twice). If you don’t know what this is… let’s just say it causes a labour reaction which feels like the worst period you’ve ever had in your life and you then pass the contents of your uterus.

The whole experience was incredibly traumatic. This all went down on a weekend, and so by Monday I just wanted to move on with life, but I knew emotions would get the best of me. I decided to tell my employer about what had happened. I expected support and understanding… boy was I wrong. After opening up about the miscarriage my boss said it was inappropriate for me to to have not told her I was expecting. Wow, I was under the impression that most people wait for the three month mark and also employers have no right to this information unless it impacts my ability to do my job. I’m also going to throw in here the fact that at this point I had missed a total of a half day of work due to this miscarriage. That’s it. Next my boss said that it was unfair of me to take off on Friday (when I was literally miscarrying and blood was pouring out of my vagina) because I didn’t tell my coworker why I was leaving. None of her damn business is why. Then my boss said that I had never mentioned wanting children before and asked me if I even wanted this pregnancy. Around this point I was a mess. I was in shock and I couldn’t even speak. In my wildest dreams I would not have expected this scenario. There were no words of encouragement, sympathy, or compassion. I was met with anger, belittlement, and was reprimanded for the loss of what my husband and I had once considered to be the greatest gift we could have ever asked for.

I left work that day and have not returned. My doctor was kind enough to give me medical leave due to the overwhelming stress of the situation. I want to yell and scream sometimes when I think about it. Other times I just cry. My husband wrote a song, I sang to my belly every day, I loved this life that I never met. I felt this life growing and I felt the loss of this life. I can’t not get emotional when I see babies or pregnant women and although I love my sisters-in-law, it is so hard right now to be happy for them when my own little happiness is gone.

I want to end this post on a bright note though. First I want to mention how amazing and supportive my family and friends have been. I know I am truly loved by many awesome people. My husband has been so wonderful to me and even with the financial set back of not working right now, he supports me every step of the way. I also want to say to those who have or may go through something like this, that it does get easier. My advice to you and to myself is to not try to forget about your experience, but to let it make you stronger. You have nothing to be ashamed about (yes that’s right, I felt ashamed). You did nothing wrong. You have every right to be emotional. Your loss was real and you need to take time to heal and grieve in your own way. Do what is right for you in this moment and in the future. Be happy. It is okay to laugh and smile. Surround yourself with the people who love you and the things you love to do. Treat yourself. Love yourself and love others.

I will celebrate this memory and cherish the love I felt for the rest of my life. I love you little tomato. Always and forever.